For me it has been nothing short of a movie experience, falling in love. As a teenager itself I greatly doubted the idea of an arranged marriage. I couldn’t reason with the idea of judging a person by certain external factors and later commit to the one I think would make a great companion after just talking to him less than an hour or so. I don’t know how my sis did it or my parents. May be they just took the plunge trusting God that it would all be made well.
Somehow I couldn’t take that plunge. Not that I do not have faith in God. But I believe God will do his part, when we do our part. My intuition was not to stand around and just go with the flow. I had a stirring feeling that I must know the person I get married to beforehand. In a country like India the term dating or even to an extend having boyfriend girl friend is considered taboo. I could be wrong and things might be a little better than what it sounds like. Anyhow for my family and the community I belonged, it was viewed as if we have done something wrong. But I was never so concerned what others thought as long as I felt my conscience is right. So I always told my mom, I will have a love marriage. Mother always replied me like this-if the proposal is from a Good family, then no worries we will support you to get married.
During school and graduation I was not interested for a relationship for I felt, it was not the time for love, but the time to build friendships, make lots of fun memories and gather knowledge. It was during my final year of PGDBM, I would tell myself, God, I think my turn is coming next for marriage, but I cannot do an arranged marriage. I absolutely hate to be treated like a puppet. I refuse to be treated like objects were people quote price for me, my education and for my family wealth or culture or whatever. I cannot dress up and stand in front of strangers whose complete attention would be on me. I felt like running away, whenever I thought about arranged marriage and it’s never ending nonsensical traditions.
I had some expectations about marriage and my future partner in life. I have heard some people asking what sort of a person one want to marry based on his profession. Isn’t that stupid? Does it really matter whether your husband is a business man or a professor??? Yes it would matter for those who want to marry for money and high income life style, but not me. Not that I would have married someone off the street because that’s beyond stupidity. I had a realistic expectation about whom or what sort of person I wanted to marry .I knew that almost no one in my family would agree on these facts.
There were 3 things I had in my mind. A Person who will love me beyond my mistakes and faults, a person who shares a same life style as mine and a person who will support my dreams and aspirations. I cannot change the person who I am but I can accommodate others into my life without changing who I really am. I knew exactly the kind of person I am. Self-knowledge is more important than any other knowledge. Finding the right partner for myself, I understood that I must first know myself then only I can understand another person.
Traditionally in my family, when you get a proposal there are few matters of discussion. First what is the girl’s or guy’s qualification? Second, where’s she/he working and how much does she/he get paid? For a girl the career question would start a little different. Is the girl working or not? Then they want to know about the siblings, the parents, who all are working and where, the family history etc. Not saying these things are bad thing, it is good if you are from a known family or if you belong to a family that has high education or belong to a class apart whatever. But these are secondary issues for me.
Forget about when you get a proposal. Before that you advertise yourself for a life companion which sounds so weird for me. We do not advertise to make friends or family. Then why advertise for marriage? And the matter of ad is embarrassing. You introduce yourself with your complexion, spirituality, education, job, family or religious background etc. Lord, I cannot imagine myself being in one of those ads and all thanks to God that I didn’t have to. My intention is not to insult or degrade anyone who have had or planning to have an arranged marriage. I am not saying arranged marriage is wrong or love marriage is right. I am only telling what’s been best for me.
Though I have had a love marriage; I married with everybody’s consent and blessings. I am totally against people who want to or think of eloping. It was tough to convince everybody in my family to agree for my marriage, but finally it happened. Love is not blind as the saying goes. I would say Love should not be blind if you ask me. Love should be realistic and practical; thinking of the welfare of all involved in.
Never abandon your loved ones. In our Indian society marriage is not among just 2 individuals it happens between two families. We need to keep that in mind. There have been times when I and husband almost felt defeated trying to convince my family. But not even once we discussed about getting married secretly or eloping etc. because that is not what we wanted. Both of us couldn’t do that to our families. They are the people who raised us and they have loved us since the day we were born to this day and how can we ever abandon their love for somebody else’s love.
Yes, I admit I might have hurt my mother’s feelings, my sister’s feelings and the rest of my family member’s feelings to some extend when I wanted to marry the person of my choice and not theirs. Not that their choice was not good enough. My priorities in life were different from theirs, there for our choices differed too. I believe self-knowledge is the best knowledge in the world and if you know yourself well, you can also know what you want in life too better than anybody.
And today everyone who said anything negative about my husband before my marriage has only good things to say about him and his family. I knew this day would come. Even when he got upset how poorly people misjudged him and his family without getting to know them; I assured him that; a day would come were on everybody’s tongue they will have only praises for you and your family. Everybody in my family had concerns, some doubted whether I would be able to adjust with him and his family. Some felt he is not good enough for me. I knew what I would be gaining and what I would be missing out on by getting married to him. I have gained a loving family. That’s something really important and a blessing.
Whether arranged or love, according to me one must try to get to know each other in the given circumstances. That’s what’s important. Above all one need to marry the person for love and not for any of the ideas mentioned in a matrimonial ad. The kind of love that brings perfection to your life!
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